Is it to late for love?
by simbagirl
Summary: I'm going to hunt down the guy who did this and when I find his sorry ass he is going to die. Painfully. A Billie Van story. Rated for later chapters
1. Saving Billie

Title: Is it to late for love?

Disclaimer: I do not own "Fastlane" or any of the characters in the show.

Author's Note: I love to read about Billie and Van, but there are not that

many stories out there. So,I had to write one of my own.

Enjoy! RnR please!

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The man pointed a gun at her. The look in his eyes was calm. Deadly

calm. He had done this before. He had killed people before and he would

do it again as soon as he was through with her.

She was going to die. And she couldn't do a thing about it. Not a single

dammed thing. The drug he had injected in her paralyzed her body and

she couldn't move a muscle, except for her eyes. She could only look as

he put the gun to her head and she closed her eyes and tried to prepare

herself for the bullet that would take her life.

The shot came, but she didn't die. She didn't even get hurt. She opened

her eyes, confused. She should be dead by now. He couldn't have missed.

She didn't see him anywhere. He was gone.

- Billie, are you alright?

Van? What was he doing here? Where was the guy that was trying to kill

her?

- Billie? She could hear the anxiety in his voice.

He couldn't see her anywhere. Had they guy killed her before he shoot him?

Van's gut wrenched at the thought.

She couldn't answer him. She couldn't even move her tongue.

He found her lying with her back on the floor, her eyes full of fear.

- The guy is gone he soothed her. I shot him in the shoulder and he ran.

Don't worry, he is not coming back. But just to be sure, Deaq is on the

look out.

He kneeled down beside her.

- You are going to be alright, you hear me? I didn't come this far to let you

die.

She was getting sleepier by the minute and she knew that it couldn't be a

good sign.

- We better get you to a hospital. I don't know what shit he's given you.

It could be deadly, although I doubt it. He kills people by shooting them,

not by giving them deadly injections. But I don't like to chance.

He scooped her up and carried her out to the car where Deaq already stood

waiting.

- Is she alright?

- He pumped her full of some shit. She can't move. I don't like it Deaq.

He put her in the backseat of the car and they drow as fast as they could

to the nearest hopital.

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He found Van in the corridor outside the examine room. He sat in a chair

with his head in his hands, his body tense.

- She is gonna be fine Van.

Deaq sat himself in a chair next to him and looked at his partner.

- Yeah, I know. He didn't sound convinced.

- We got her here in time. Don't worry.

Deaq put a hand on the other mans shoulder.

Van's jaw clenched and his voice was strained when he spoke.

- Don't worry? Deaq, she wasn't moving. She was bearly breathing.

Deaq sighed deeply.

- I know. I know. I worry too.

Van pulled away and got up from the chair. He walked to a window that

was close by and stood there, staring out into the dark night.

Deaq looked at him for a minute. Then it dawned on him. He finally

understood why his partner was so worried. He understood why he

hadn't been able to sleep since Billie had been abducted.

- You love her, don't you?

Van was quiet for so long that Deaq gave up hope of getting an answer.

Then he turned around and looked into Deaq's eyes.

- Yeah. I love her. A muscle in his jaw twiched. - And now she may die

before I get a chance to tell her.

- She won't die. She is strong.

- I hope so. God, I hope so. He drew a hand trough his hair in a frustated

gesture.

Deaq saw the agony in the other mans face and tried to comfort him.

- I know so. Hey, it's Billie we're talking about. She would live trough a

hurricane.

- You can't know that Deaq. Nobody can.

Deaq didn't know what to say. He had never seen Van like this before.

-I can promise you one thing though. Van's voice got low and his eyes

turned hard.

Deaq had seen this expression a couple of times before and he didn't

like it one bit. Van's next words confirmed his worst fear.

- I'm going to hunt down the guy who did this and when I find his sorry

ass he is going to die. Painfully.

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TBC...


	2. In the hospital

I don't remember much from the trip to the hospital. Most of it is a blur, but

if I think real hard I remember Van's worried face. His strong grip on my

hand. The hushed words that he spoke to me in the car.

I must have passed out when we got here, because the next thing I know I'm

in a hospital bed with a IV in my arm. I turn my head to the right to look

around the room and that's when I realase that I can move. I try to sit up

but I'm still to weak. I lean back in bed and just lie there, feeling... I'm not

quit sure what I'm feeling. Relieved that I'm not dead? Scared that I only

have as much strength as a newborn child? Tired? Yeah, that must be the

must accurate assumsption for the time beeing. I'm am dead tired.

- You are finally awake I see. Took you long enough.

I turn my head to the left side of the bed and I see Deaq. He is sitting in one

of those uncomfortable chairs that the hospital provide. He's been sleeping

and his clothes are wrinkled and his hair's tousled.

- Hello to you too Deaq. What did the asshole inject in me? I feel like a

boned fish.

- They figure it's some kind of muscle relaxationer, but other than that...

He shrugges his shoulders.

-They don't have a clue.

- Nope.

- Great. Just fucking great. So, when am I getting out of here?

He chuckles.

- The doctor wants you here for at least a couple of days. Observation.

He is afraid that you will have some nasty side affects from the drug.

I groan.

- You gotta be kidding me. I can't catch that son of a bitch if I'm laying in a

freaking hospital bed. I _need_ to get out of here. _God._

His face turns serious and I can see that there is something that he dosen't

want to tell me. He gets up from the chair and starts pasing.

- Deaq, spit it out. What is it?

- I'm afraid you're not gonna get the chance to do that boss. Catch him I

mean.

- What do you mean? He's not dead. Van told me that he just shot him in

the shoulder. That he fled from the scene.

- Yeah, well, you see, that's kinda the problem.

- Deaq. Just tell me what's bugging you. _Now._

He stops and looks at me and I can see the frustation in his eyes. And the

fear. And it scares me. Deaq's never afraid. Not unless... _Oh no._

- Van wants to find the guy. He is not gonna rest until he does and then,

then he's going to kill him. Painfully. And I'm just quoting the guy here.

Crap. I should have guessed. _Idiot._ Oh Van...

- He will get himself killed.

Deaq runs a frustrated hand through his hair.

- I know. That's what I told him. He didn't seem to care.

Damm him. He can't do this. This is not his fight.

- Where is he?

- Outside the door in a chair. He sat here for five hours. I told him to get

home, but he refuses to leave before he knows that you are okay.

- Get him in here.

- Sure. He goes to the door and then he turns back at me.

- Boss?

- Yeah?

- The guy hasn't sleept in three days. Don't be to hard on him.

- Just get him in here Deaq. Now.

- Sure thing boss. He exits the room and leaves me alone with my thoughs.

Why does he do this? Why, god dammit?

_Admit it honey, you know why. _

_- _Shut up brain I mutter. You don't what you are talking about.

But my brain dosen't listen to me. It just laughs at me.

_You know why. And you would do it for him to. For the very same reason. _

TBC...

So, what did you think? RnR please. I live for it. Sort of.


	3. Van

_She is alive. She is not going to die. She is alive_. I repeat the words like a

mantra, hoping to God that they are tru. Because if she dies...

No. I won't go there.

I sat by her bed for five hours , willing her to wake up. She didn't. She just

laid there, the only proof that she was alive was the movement of her chest

when she breathed.

And I cried. I don't cry. Don't like to show that kind of weakness. But I cried

when I sat there and looked at her. I could lose her. The though kept

repeating itself in my mind. _I could lose her_. I could lose the only women I

ever loved. And it scared me. It terrified me.

Deaq forced me to leave her room after five hours. He told me to leave, to

go home and get some sleep. I just stared at him. Go home? No fucking

way. Not before I knew that she was okay.

So I sit here outside her room. Waiting. Hoping. Praying.

- She is awake.

I look up at Deaq with relief in my eyes.

- She is awake? She's okay?

- You can see for yourself. She wants to talk to you.

I got up from my my chair and walked the few meters to her room. I opened

the door and went inside, closing the door after me.

She is awake. She is alive. Thank God.

She turns her head to look at me and I can see the rage in her eyes.

- Damm you. Damm you to hell.

I should have known that Deaq would tell her. He's worried about me.

- That's one way of thanking the guy who saved your life.

- It is not your fight Van. It is my life. My fight. Do **not** get involved.

- I saved your life. I am already _involved_.

- Then get _un_involved. I won't let you get yourself killed because of some

some fucking... _loyalty..._ towards me.

I feel my own anger rising. Is she that ignorant or just plain stupid?

- _Loyalty_? You think I want to kill the asshole that hurt you out of _loyalty?_

- What other reason is there? she asks with low voice and turns her head

away from me.

- You _know_ why I want him dead. You _know_ why I can't stand to see you hurt.

The reason that I can't stand to see you in a hospital. You _know_ why

- No, I don't. And I don't know why you want to die so badly that you would

go after him.

- I don't wanna die. I want _him_ to die. Painfully.

She turns her head and looks at me.

- Yeah, Deaq told me. Why is this so hard to get? He is my fight, _not_ yours.

He tried to kill _me, _not you. You have nothing to do with this. Leave him

alone.

-Got nothing to do with this? I got everything to do with this.

- No you don't. I will not let you do this. I fire you if I have to.

- You could try. It wouldn't make a difference. I'm still going to kill him.

She started to look frustrated.

- What's wrong with you? Why can't you do as I say? Van, please. I don't

want you to die.

- I love you. I love you so much it hurts. This is not just your fight. Don't

you dare say that it is. The guy tried to kill you Billie. He tried to kill the

woman I love. Leave him alone? Not a chance in hell.

I left the room and ran right into Deaq.

TBC...

This story is dedicated to all the people who were affected by the Hurricane

Katrina. May God be with you.


	4. Deaq

I have never seen the look of his face before. The look of relife when I told

him that she was awake. The look of love in his eyes when he asked me if

she was okey.

She wanted to talk to him and it wasn't a talk I envided him. She was angry

at him. Furious with his decision to go after the guy that had put her in a

hospital bed.

She has a point. He could get him self killed.

But I doubt that matters to him. He wants to get the guy, and knowing Van,

he won't stop before one of them is dead. I can only hope that it is asshole

that goes.

I hope that she isn't to hard on him. Like I told her, he hasn't slept in almost

three days. When the guy called and told us that he had her... The rage in

Van's eyes, the cold look on his face... Let's just say I was glad to be on _his_

side.

And the fear. The gut wrenching fear that we would be to late. That we

would be to fucking late and that all we would find was a body.

He loves her. How could I have missed that? Missed the way he must have

been looking at her, the way a guy looks at the woman he loves.

The way I looked at... No, I won't go there.

He is good at hiding his feelings behind the smartass attitude. Dosen't

let anything show on the surface.

But he is a guy with a big heart. And it must have killed him to be in love

with her. Killed him not beeing able to tell her how he felt.

Because this is _Billie_ we're talking about. The sometimes bitchy lady who

doesn't seem to love anything or any_one_.

Suddenly I hear her door opening and I get up from the chair I've been sitting

on. He dosen't see me and runs straight into me.

- Whoa, take it easy man. Where's the fire?

- Sorry. Didn't see you.

His jaw is clenched and his eyes are hard. And he looks tired. Dead tired.

- She give you a hard time?

- She is a fucking bitch.

I raised my eyebrows in surprise. _Fucking bitch?_ What had happened

behind that door?

- So I take it went well?

He snorts.

- She must be the most irritating, stubborn , _idiotic_ woman I ever met.

- And yet you love her.

He sighs and sits himself in a chair. He leans his head against the wall and

closes his eyes.

- Too much. Too freaking much.

- You told her.

- I had to. She didn't get why can't leave the asshole alone. Kept

babbling on about how it was her fight and how I had nothing to do

with it.

He opens his eyes and lookes at me.

- "Nothing to do with it". The son of a bitch tried to kill her Deaq. _Kill_ her.

Did she actually think I would leave him alone? Don't she...

He stopps talking for a moment and his voice softens when he continue.

- Don't she know how much I love her?

I doubt that she does. I doubt that she has been loved like that by anyone

in her entire life.

He closes his eyes again and it looks like he has fallen asleep.

He must be exhausted.

- Go home Van. Get some sleep. You're going to get sick if you don't get

some rest.

- Yeah he says, but he dosen't move.

- Want me to drive you?

- No, I'll get a taxi.

He get's upp from the chair.

- You call me if she gets worse?

- Sure thing man. I'll even come by the house tomorrow. No go.

He went, looking like a old man.

I turned and looked at her door.

She and I were going to have some words. There where things she just didn't

get.

I opened her and went inside. She was lstaring at the ceiling, lost in thought.

- He loves you more than anything.

She turned her head and looked at me.

- I know. And that is what will get him killed.

TBC...

Rewiews are more than welcome.


	5. Billie

"_I love you. I love you so much it hurts. This is not just your fight. Don't_

_you dare say that it is. The guy tried to kill you Billie. He tried to kill the_

_woman I love. Leave him alone? Not a chance in hell."_

Van's last words, said in rage, before he ran out of the room.

"_He loves you more than anything."_

Deaq had looked at me with sorrow in his eyes. With pity. And with anger.

Don't they get it? He will die. Painfully.

Oh God, why does he love me? I didn't ask for it, didn't want it.

"_I know. And that is what will get him killed."_

" _What do you care?"_

How can Deaq ask me that?

Of course I care. He works for me. He is a friend.

" _You have sent him to a clear death before. What's the difference now?"_

That has been work. This is life. And I have so much more to lose.

" _Why are you asking me this? Why aren't you out there, stopping him?"_

He is Deaq's friend. His partner. And Deaq is letting him kill himself

without even trying to stop it.

He laughed, bitterly.

" _Stopping him? I like my life Billie. He won't let anyone stop him. He_

_would kill me if I tried ." _

" _And you're just going to let him die? He is your friend Deaq. Don't that_

_mean anything to you ?"_

I hate this hospital bed. I hate the fact that I can't even go to the toilet

by myself. I won't be able to stop him. He will die and I will lie here like a

fucking coma patient.

" _Don't you dare ask me that. He is the best partner and friend that I ever_

_had. But he loves you. If he had to choose between our friendship or _

_you, he would choose you. He wouldn't even think twice."_

If he loves me, why would he put me trough this? Don't he understand

what his death would do to me? How it would destroy me?

"_I could lose him Deaq. Lose him. And he wouldn't even know..."_

" _That you love him ?"_

He smiled at me.

Love? Is that what it is? The fussy feeling I get when he smiles.

The feeling of security and peace when he is near me. The jealousy I feeI

when he talks to other women. Flirts with them. Is that love?

" _Do I?" _

I sounded like a little child. And Deaq's voice softened.

" _Ask yourself this: How would you feel if you never saw him again?_

_If he died this instant?"_

Pain. I would feel a gut wrenching, tormenting pain that would never end.

I would fall apart. And my soul would die.

" _I love him. "_

" _Yeah. I know. And he loves you."_

He does?

" _Then why does he want to kill himself?"_

Deaq shook his head and looked at me like I was stupid.

And maybe I was. Because I knew. I knew. If someone would hurt him...

They would be dead as soon as soon I could find them. I would kill

them with my bare hands.

" _You know why. Just like you have known that you love him._

_He is right, sometimes you are a fucking bitch." _

" _A fucking bitch?"_

" _Yeah. You have been pushing him away. And it has been killing him."_

So what would I have done then? Told him that I loved him? Given him

my heart? Given him the power to crush me like a bug? Because people

do that. When you let them in they betray you. Hurt you.

" _I know that you don't trust people. But it is not people we are talking_

_about. It is Van. And he would die before he would hurt you."_

" _You don't know that. He is just human. If I let him in it would kill_

_me. Because I love him to damm much."_

He left me alone in my room.There wasn't anymore to say.

Van would die and and I would fall apart. And he would never know.

I don't know how I fell asleep, but the next time I opened my eyes

it was morning and the sun shined trough the half closed blinds.

And Van was leaning against the wall, looking at me, his arms crossed

in front of his chest.

- So we love each other. Now what are we going to do about it?

TBC...

It may take a while for me to update. School and stuff. But I'll do my best.

And please, RnR. As I said, I live for it.


	6. It feels like home

I don't know how I got home. I must have called after a taxi, but I have

no memory of it. I know that I must have taken my clothes of, because

I was naked when I woke up, but I don't know how that happened. Or when.

I haven't been able to relax in three days. Three fucking, horrible, gut-

wrenching days. When the man called... I have never been so scared in

my life. Or so furious. Deaq had to pry the phone out of my hand, or I

would have cruched it to pieces, imagining that is was the assholes

head.

And when we couldn't find her... All I could see in my head was a picture of

her dead body, laying somewhere in an alley with her head blown off.

And then, at last, we found her. Alive. And I thanked God. He had answered

my prayers.

I hadn't planned on telling her that I loved her. Not in the way I did. Not in

rage. But she just didn't get it. Or she didn't _want_ go get it.

And I got angry. She refused to let me in. I was tired of dancing that dance

with her. So I told her. And now it's all up to her.

But the guy is still going to die. Even if she hates me for it. Even if I die in

the process. Nobody harms her and get's away with it.

When Deaq called me I was in bed, dead to the world. Dreaming about her.

- Yeah? I didn't even open my eyes.

- Sorry if I woke you man, but there is something you should know.

I sat up in bed, fear gripping my heart.

- Has something happened to her?

He chuckled.

- No. And yes.

- Deaq... What is it? I'm not in a mood to play games.

- She is fine. But she said something interesting.

- Yeah? And what's that? She wants to hit me over the head with

a broomstick?

I jawned. The eight hours of sleep that I had got wasn't nearly enough. I still

felt more dead than alive.

- No. But that might be a good idea. Thanks for the tip.

- I'm going back to sleep now. I'll be in the hospital in two hours.

- She loves you too.

_What did he just say?_

- Excuse me? Did you just?...

- Yep. So get your but over here. You two need to talk.

Then he hung up.

I was pulling on some clothes before he had finished the sentence.

She loved me?

She looks beautiful when she sleeps. She always looks beautiful. I almost

can't fight the urge to wake her up. But she needs to rest.

She loves me. This incredible woman loves me. And I can't help but smile.

Finally the sun that shines in her eyes wakes her up. Then she see me.

And her eyes grow big.

- So we love each other. Now what are we going to do about it?

- Van?

- Yeah it is me babe. So you love me?

- What are you talking about?

I can see the fear in her eyes. Hear it in her voice.

- Deaq called me. He told me what you had told him.

- He did? She swallows nervously.

I walk to her bed at sits down on it.

- Yeah, he did. Woke me up. I wasn't to happy about it. I was dreaming.

About you. About us.

I take her hand and kiss it. I love the way her skin feels against my lips.

So soft, so perfect. Just like in my dream.

- Van, stop it.

She tries to free her hand, but I just grip it tighter.

- Why?

- Van. Just, please... Deaq should never have told you.

- But he did. What do you purpose we do about it?

- Nothing.

- Nothing? Don't think I can live with that.

She turns around, forcing me to let go of her hand.

I look at her back and sighs. This was not going to be easy.

- Well, that won't be a problem. You will die soon anyhow.

I can hear the tears in her voice.

- I am not going to die.

I rub her back with my hand and she tenses.

- If you go after the asshole you will. He is not an idiot Van.

- Never said that he was.

I get up from the bed and goes around it so I come face to face with her.

- Listen to me Billie. I don't want to die. I really don't. But he put

you in a hospital. There has to be some payback for that.

-Why?

She is whispering and I take her hand again.

- I told you that babe. I love you. I always loved you. And he hurt you.

You have any idea how angry that made me?

- It did?

She looks at me like she can't belive it. I lower my voice.

- Yes, it did. Is that really that hard to belive?

- No one... No one has ever loved me like that... I can't...

I put my hands around her face and makes her look at me.

- You can. And I will tell it to you until you belive me. I love you.

- You really do?

She sounds like a little kid. And I could strangle the people who has made

her belive that that she can't be loved. That she can't love.

So I lean in closer and I kiss her. At it feels like heaven. It feels like home.

TBC...

You know the drill. Review.

Please.


	7. A babysitter?

I called him. I had to. He had a right to know how she feels, and she was

never going to tell him. Never going to let him in.

She is very stubborn. And very afraid. And she would kill me if she knew

how easily I could read her facial expressions.

I woke him up when I called and he wasn't pleased. I can only imagine

what he had been dreaming about. _Who_ he had been dreaming about.

I wouldn't be happy either if someone woke me up in the middle of a

dream about... _No_. Not going there. Not again.

I heard the fear in his voice when I told him that there was something

he should know. Heard the pain.

I had told him that I would give him a call. If she got worse. Now he

thought that I had some bad news and I could have kicked myself

for beeing so stupid. Call him? This early? It was bearly dawn.

But he _had_ to know. They _had_ to talk. So I told him. And the uncertainty

in his voice told me that he had trouble believing it. Can't say that I

blamed him.

Sometimes they are so alike. And sometimes so far very far apart.

She would never do anything about her feelings for him. Not unless

someone forced her to. Not unless someone pushed her. Hard. It had to

be someone as stubborn as her. Someone that loved her as much as she

loved him.

And I knew just the man for the job.

He rushed to the hospital just like I knew that he would. He went into

her room without looking at me. I don't even think that he saw me.

I hoped that he would say the right words. That he would get trough

to her. If he didn''t... Well, then nobody could.

I let him be in there for an hour. Then I went in to tell them that the doctor

had changed his mind. That she could go home if she had someone there

that would look after her. I knew just the one. She wouldn't like the idea

of a babysitter, but it would be good for both of them.

It would keep him from going after the asshole, at least for a couple of days.

And that meant that he would be alive a little longer. She _should_ like

_that_ idea.

And he would like the idea for a whole other reason. Spending a couple

of days with the woman he loved... I doubted he would say no.

I opened the door and froze when I saw what was going on.

He was kissing her. She had closed her eyes and her hands were framing

his face. They looked happy. And very much in love.

I cleared my throught and they pulled away from each other.

I couldn't help but smirk. They looked like a couple of teenagers that had

been caught making out in the back seat of a car.

- Am I interrupting something?

Van gave Billie a heated look and then he looked at me with a smile.

- I was kissing a beautiful woman, and you're asking if you interrupted

something? Of course you did.

And that was the first time I saw Billie blush.

- Sorry about that. I just wanted to tell Billie that she can go home

today.

Van turned serious and frowned.

- She can? But you said that the doctor...

I interrupted him.

- Yeah. But he changed his mind.They need this room. She can go

home. On one condition.

Her eyes started to shine.

- I can go home? Right now? Then what are we waiting for?

She started to rise from the bed, but Van's hand on her shoulder hold her

in place. She looked at him, anger flashing in her eyes.

- Let go of me.

He didn't even look at her.

- In a minute my love. What condition?

My love?

I saw something flash in her eyes, but is was gone before I could

grasp what it was. It looked like joy, but I wasn't sure.

- That she has someone to look after her.

- A babysitter? No way. No. Not gonna happen. Forget about it.

I knew she wouldn't like that idea.

- Well, it's up to you. Either you have a "babysitter" as you call it, or

you stay in the hospital. Your choice.

- What a choice she muttered.

Van looked at her. I could almost see the wheels turning in his head.

Then he looked at me and smiled.

- And I guess you have an idea of who the babysitter should be?

I tried to keep a straigth face, but it was impossible. I felt the grin on

my face.

- I have an idea, yeah. If he is up to it.

- Oh, he is up to it. Don't you worry about that.

- What are you talking about?

He gave her a sly smile.

- If _I'm_ up to it.

A smile formed on her face.

- You would be my babysitter? I guess I could live with that.

- Good.

I heard the smile in his voice.

- But I should warn you. I only got one bed.

I started to feel like an intruder and hurried outside.

TBC...

Yeah, you guessed right. The next chapter is the reason why this story is

rated M.

Review plz...


	8. Like a brother?

_But I should warn you. I only got one bed._

He looked at me with a fire in his eyes and smiled.

_That won't be a problem. That won't be a problem at all._

I don't like to be depending on others. Don't like when I'm not in charge.

And yet, here I am. Depending on an other human beeing. Trusting

him with my life. It feels good. And I hate myself for it.

His kiss had been full of love. I guess it was love, because it was something

that I had never felt before. It made me feel wanted. Secure. Made me

forget about the rest of the world. And for that, I can never let him kiss

me again. If I forget about the rest of the world I'll end up dead.

I had been flirting with him. I don't flirt. Ever. But if had felt so good.

So right.

Why does everything about this guy feel right? Flirting with him.

Touching him. Kissing him. It all feels like home. And it scares me.

- You regret this don't you?

- No.

I lied. Of course I lied. I had agreed in a moment of weakness, and now

I regretted it with evry fiber in my body. Living with him, even if it just was

for a couple of days, was going to be tourture.

I want him in my house. In my bed. And I never want him to leave. It makes

me weak. And I hate beeing weak.

He knew. Of course he knew. He knows too much. Sees too much.

God knows he loves me to much.

I could feel the look he gave me as he drove. I ignored it and looked

straight out the window, glad that I had a pair of sunglasses on me. My

eyes would have told him too much.

- You are not weak.

As I said. He sees to much.

- It does not make you weak to want someone Billie. To need someone.

His voice got softer as he continued.

- Loving someone dosen't make you weak.

Yes it does. When you love someone you give away your heart, share

your soul. You let them in.

You are always stronger alone. If you are alone, nobody will break your

heart. Shatter your soul. Nobody will hurt you. Chrush you. If you are

alone no one can destroy you.

He stopped the car infront of my house and turned to me. I could see

the anger in his eyes. The hurt. The frustration.

- You still think that I will hurt you.

I refused to look at him.

- People tend to do that Van.

- Well, I'm not people. I'm a man. A breathing, living man. I love you.

And it kills me Billie. It kills me that you think that I will destroy you

the first chans I get.

- Then stop loving me. If it kills you then stop.

I was pushing him. Pushing him away from me before he could do it to me.

I should have seen it coming. Should have seen the way his eyes changed.

The way his muscles tensed.

He moved so fast. One minute he was sitting still on his seat and the next

he had pulled me against him, his lips chrushing mine. This was not a

sweet kiss filled with love, it was a desperat, passionate kiss from a man

who knew what he wanted. He didn't ask, he took.

And just as suddenly as the kiss had started it was over, leaving me

breathless.

He hold my face in his hands, his eyes burning holes in me.

- I can't stop. I can never stop. I want you, I love you, I need you.

Your heart. Your body. And your soul. Get used to it.

He let go of me and gave me an dangerous smile.

- Because I will get it. Sooner or later.

I didn't know if it was a treath or a promise. But it made my heart shudder.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He helped my out of the car and in to the house. He cooked me dinner

and told me to eat. He was friendly. Funny and charming.

But he didn't touch me. Didn't kiss me.

I was confused. He acted like he was my brother, not like someone who

wanted me. And it disturbed me more than I would have liked.

After dinner he told me to get some rest and I agreed. It would give me

time to think. To figure out my feelings.

I got restless. I had laid there for an hour when I couldn't take it anymore.

I got up and started to search for him. I heard the sound of the tv and

followed it to my living room. He sat in a armchair, his eyes closed and

his head leaned back.

- Why haven't you touched me?

He opened his eyes and turned his head to look at me.

I cringed. I hadn't meant to sound so desperate. So vulnerable.

He looked at me without saying a word.

- Never mind.

I sighed and turned to leave. I was half-way in the kitchen when I felt

a hand on my arm. I turned around and looked at him.

- Because If I touch you I know that I wouldn't be able to stop myself. I

would make love to you and you aren't ready for that.

That answered pleased me more than it should have. And I found myself

flirting again.

I stepped closer to him and laid my arms around his neck. I could feel

his body tensing.

- And how do you now that I'm not reday for that? I whispered in his ear.

- You are just gotten out of the hospital. And you don't trust me.

I'm not even sure you have any feelings for me.

I drew back and looked at him. He met my gaze and I saw the need in his

eyes. His love for me. And the pain that I had caused.

- I love you.

And it wasn't so hard to tell him that. It didn't feel like my heart was

going to be smashed to pieces.

- Are you sure? His eyes searched mine.

- I'm sure.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He kisses me and I feel me knees go weak. His hands goes up my legs until

he reaches my hips. They stop there and he presses me even harder against

him.

His mouth leaves mine and he starts trailing kisses along my jaw until

he reaches my ear lobe. And I close my eyes, savouring the feel of his

lips against my skin.

His hands sneaks under my shirt and I can't help but gasp at the feel

of his hands on my back. It feels so go. _He_ feels so god.

- Your skin is so smooth. Like silk.

- Van...

- Open your eyes.

I do and find him looking at me, his eyes dark with passion.

- I want you. But I can't do this if you are going to reject me tomorrow.

I have hurt him so much. Rejected him so often that is has become a habbit.

- I want you too. I want you so badly it hurts.

He smiles a sensous smile.

- Good. Because I was planning on taking this to the bedroom.

Do you mind?

Mind? If he dosen't hurry I'm going to drag him there myself.

I rub my hips against his and he groans.

- You feel so good.

I reach up to his face and whisper in his ear.

- Bedroom. Now.

- Couldn't agree more.

I take his hand and togheter we go into the bedroom. He closes the

door and stands there, looking at me, and I feel like I'm going to melt.

TBC...

Review.


	9. Unsecure

_Sorry I haven't updated. Been busy._

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_She's got to be the most beautiful woman who ever walked this earth._

I can't help but gasp as she pulls her shirt over her head. Her eyes are

locked with mine and I can see the same passion in her eyes that I know

she can see in mine.

She pulls down her jeans and I just look at her, mesmerized. She stands

there, clad in only her underware and I forget how to breath. Her body

is perfect. Absolutly perfect.

- Why are you staring at me?

And that must be the most stupid question I've ever heard.

I try to catch her eye, but she looks down at the carpet, biting her lower lip.

I walk over to her and cup her chin, forcing her to look at me.

- You are beautiful. Beautiful. You hear me? Why would I NOT stare

at you?

- Beautiful? You think I'm beautiful?

I hear the uncertanty in her voice.

How can she not see how perfect she is? What has happened to her to

make her doubt herself like this?

- Yeah, I think you're beautiful. Gorgeous. Amazing. Sexy.

She looks at me, and I can see tears in her eyes.

- Thanks. Nobody has ever... I can't...

I can't take hearing her ramble anymore so I lean in and kiss her. When

I pull back we're both breathless.

- Then all the guys you known has been idiots.

She smiles a little and nods.

- You might be right about that.

I smile back at her and let my eyes wander over her body again.

- You have to much clothes on.

- Huh?

I hear her speak, but I have no idea what she is saying. Beeing this close

to her has a interesting effect on my body. I can't move, I can't think.

How I can remain standing is a mistery, because my I swear my legs has

turned into rubber.

She reaches up and whispers in my ear and I can feel a shiver going through

my body as I feel her hot breath against my skin.

- I said, you have to much clothes on.

- Well... Do something about that then.

I can't help but challenge her. This is not the insecure woman who

I witnessed just a couple of minutes ago. This is a woman who knows

how to tease. How to seduce. And I can't wait.

She gets a wicked look in her eyes.

- Maybe I will.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Leaving you hanging again. Ain't I evil?...

Review plz


	10. Love

_Wow. Chapter 10. Sometimes I amaze myself._

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He thinks I'm beautiful.

_It was not the first time I had undressed infront of a man. Not_

_the first time I've seen eyes darken in passion and breathing getting deep._

_Not the first time that I had felt the need._

He closed his eyes when I started to unbutton his shirt, his hands

clenched into fists. I leaned in to kiss his stomac, my toung lingering

at his belly button.

_It was not the first time a man had wanted me._ _Not the first time that_

_someone had moaned my name with a voice full of passion. _

His shirt soon hit the floor and I crouched down infront of him, placing

a hand on his tigh.

He opened his eyes and looked at me.

_It was not the first time I had undressed a man. Not the first time_

_I pulled someones pants down._

He stepped out of his pants and his boxers, his eyes fixated on mine.

We stod there for a minute, looking at each other.

Then he moved, slowly, and took my hand into his, pulling me against him.

_Not the first time a man had kissed me, crushing his lips against mine._

_Not the first time a man had pulled of my bra, throwing it on the floor._

He bent down, slowly, and pulled my panties down my thights. I stepped

out of them and stood there, naked, in front of him.

There was a fire burning in his eyes as he looked at me, making me feel

like I was the only woman in the world.

_It was not the first time a man had lead me to a bed. Not the first_

_time I had lied down on the sheets with the heavy weight of a man's_

_body on top of me. _

He supported his weight on his elbows, his hands tenderly cupping

my face.

- You are so beautiful. So perfect.

_I had have sex before, and I had enjoyed it. _

_But I have never made love before, never lost myself so completely._

_Never felt so secure as when he held me in his arms afterwards. Never_

_felt so happy as when he whispered that he loved me. _

_-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

_Okey, what do you think? Bad? Good? First time I've written this kind of_

_scene. Review plz. _


	11. Heaven

I'm sorry that it has taken me so long to update. I didn't know how to

continue...

Hope you enjoy!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_I have never believed in heaven. _

_I have never believed in God or angels. _

_Never believed that I could find hope._

_Until now._

_I love her._

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

- Good morning.

I stood in the kitchen making breakfast when I heard her voice. I turned

around and couldn't help but smile.

She looked amazing in an old blue robe and with her hair tousled from

sleep.

- Morning beautiful. Want some breakfast?

- Sure.

She yawned big and I couldn't help but smirk at her.

- Are you tired?

She gave me a pointed look, but I could see the smile in her eyes.

- Well, _someone_ kept me up late last night.

I walked over to her and pulled her into my arms looking down at her

face.

- Well, _someone_ didn't seam to mind.

She rose to her toes and kissed me, putting her arms around my neck.

I rested my hands on her hips, bringing her body even closer to mine.

_This was heaven._

The thougth crossed my mind as I felt her toungue twirling against mine,

her hands intertwined in my hair.

_This was truly heaven._

She broke away and looked at me.

I liked to see her like this. Liked to see her with her eyes shining and

a smile on her face. Liked to see her happy and knowing that I had

something to do with it.

- This really is a _good_ morning.

I kissed her nose.

- Yeah, it is.

She gave me a shy smile.

- I could get used to this you know. Having you in my kitchen, cooking

me breakfast.

- So could I.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

- That gotta be the best breakfast I've ever eaten.

Billie put down her knife and fork on the empty plate and wiped

her mouth with a napkin.

I smiled and reached over, interwiening my fingers with hers.

I couldn't stop smiling, couldn't stop touching her.

- Thanks. Glad you liked it. It's a long time since I cooked breakfast

for someone. Long time since I _had _someone to cook breakfast

for.

- It is?

She looked reviled. Had she actually thougth that I had slept

with evry women that came in my path?

I brought our hands to my mouth and kissed her fingers.

- Yeah, it is. I only do it for the people I love.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

- We should get up.

Billie lifted her head from my chest and looked at me.

- Why? I like it here.

I stroked her back, drawing patterns on her skin with my fingertips.

- So do I, but we promised we would give Deaq a call today.

- Yeah. We will. In a while.

I leaned down and captured her lips in a kiss.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

TBC...

Review plz!


	12. Bye Van

_Sorry it has taken me so long to update. My life has been one big mess..._

_All of you who read this, please send my friend Camilla a thought. She is sick_

_and I don't know..._

_Anyway. Camilla, this chapter is for you . Take care sweetheart. _

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He called me an hour ago.

Now he may be dead. And she is on the verge of tears, yelling at me. Hating

me. Hating him.

Why did I agree to this?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"_Hey man." _

"_Hey Van. How is she?"_

" _She's fine. A little tired, but fine. She's sleeping now."_

He sounded so happy that it made me smile.

" _Oh she is tired is she? I wonder why?"_

" _Get you head out of the gutter Deaq. It's only been two days since she_

_left the hospital. Of course she's tired."_

" _Yeah. And that is the only reason huh? I bet you have nothing to do with_

_it?"_

I could hear the smile in his voice when he answered.

" _Have anything to do with it? I have no idea what you are talking about."_

" _I bet you don't._ _So, you kids have had a good time?" _

" _Yeah, we have. She's amazing. A little difficult maybe, but amazing. "_

My smile grew. That didn't sound like him at all.

" _Amazing huh? So I take that this two days has been good for you?"_

" _They have. Deaq..."_

His voice changed and my smile disappeared.

" _Yeah?"_

" _Take care of her for me."_

" _What are you talking about?"_

" _Deaq, please."_

His voice was low and serious. I had to swallow before I could answer him.

" _I'll take care of her. Don't worry."_

" _Thank you."_

" _I guess I can't change your mind about this?"_

" _No, you can't."_

" _You could die you know."_

" _I know."_

" _And that dosen't mean anything to you?"_

" _Some things are worth dying for. Some people." _

I knew that I couldn't change his mind. That didn't mean that I didn't try.

I had to.

" _You know how to find him?"_

" _I have my ways. Besides, I know some people."_

"_You need my help?"_

" _No."_

" _You know I had to ask." _

"_Yeah. But I have to do this alone. You know that."_

I did. That didn't make it any easier.

" _When will you leave?"_

" _Soon."_

" _When she's sleeping."_

" _I can't do it if she's awake." _

I heard the pain in his voice.He loved her and this was maybe the last time

he was able to see her.

" _Be careful."_

" _Yeah. You too. Deaq?"_

" _Yeah?"_

" _Tell her that I love her more than anything. That she is the reason I wake_

_up in the morning."_

" _You can tell her that yourself when you get back. "_

" _Deaq."_

" _I promise."_

" _And stop her from going after me. I don't care what you do or how you_

_do it, just... Please. Stop her."_

" _That may not be that easy."_

" _I know. Just... I don't want to give him another chanse to kill her. If she _

_is with me..." _

" _I'll stop her. Somehow."_

" _Bye Deaq._"

"_Bye Van."_

_----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

_TBC..._

_Good, Bad? Review plz._


	13. A note and a cup of tea

_To prplerayne and DKM who reads and reviewes this story._

_Your reviews make me smile. Updating to slow sometimes huh? _

_Thanks for your prayers and your well wishes. It means a lot. _

_For Camilla and my dad. Take care and get well, please. _

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I found a man to love. A man to open up to. A man to trust.

Someone who wanted my heart, needed a part of my soul and worshipped

my body.

I found Van.

And now he is out there, searching for for his own death.

_Oh Van. _

_Come home._

_Don't die. Please God, don't let him die. _

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I woke up and reached over to the other side of the bed, needing to feel his

soft skin. Needed to know that he was there, that I had not dreamed it. That

the love we had shared had been real.

The bed was empty. The fear made my stomac twist, but I pushed it down. I

had woken up alone before hadn't I? And then I had found him in the kitchen,

making us breakfast. No need to worry I told myself. Surely he was in the

kitchen making us something to eat. We had missed lunch, as we had been

more interested in each other. Food could wait couldn't it?

I got up from the bed and put on the blue, old robe that laid on the floor.

We had been in a hurry after breakfast. We couldn't stop touching each

other, couldn't stop kissing.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The kitchen was empty.

I knew. I knew it even before I saw the note on the table.

" _My love,_

_I couldn't tell you to your face that I was leaving. I know that I couldn't_

_make myself leave if you had looked me in the eyes and asked me to_

_stay. _

_Tell Deaq that he has been the best partner I ever had. The best friend_

_a man could ask for. And don't let him blame himself. He couldn't have_

_stopped me. _

_And please, promise me one thing. Don't come after me. Please. I can _

_live with the fact that you hate me, but if you die... Please Billie, promise_

_me. _

_I love you. I love you more than anything on this earth._

_If I come back... No, **when** I come back I have a gift for you, if you still _

_want anything to do with me. _

_I love you Billie. Marry me."_

_Van _

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It is not fare.

It's not fare for him to leave when I was sleeping. It's not fare to beg me to

stay behind and do nothing. It's not fare to leave me a note.

It's not fare to ask me to marry him when I don't know if he is alive or not.

It's not fare.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Deaq came ten minutes after I had found the note. He looked as tired and

upset as I felt.

- You know?

- He called me just before he left.

- He left me a note. I was sleeping and he left me a fucking note.

- Yeah. He said that he couldn't leave if you were awake.

- Why did he have leave at all? Why can't he just leave the guy alone?

I couldn't stand it if he..

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I want to cry. I want to scream and shout. I want to kick his ass for being

such a overprotective jackass.

I want to hold him in my arms. I want to kiss him. I want to look him in the

eyes and I tell him that I want to marry him.

I want him home. Alive.

_Please God. Bring him home._

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Deaq rose from the chair he had been sitting on and came around the table.

He pulled me close to him, putting his head on top of mine.

- I know. Neithter could I. Neither could I.

I broke away from him after a while, thankful that he was here.

But I won't cry infront of him, because if I did, I'm not sure I could stop.

- You want some tea?

- Sure. Thanks.

I get up from the chair and goes to the cupboard. I take ut two mugs and fill

them with water. I put them in the micro and turn it on, watching them go

round and round.

I need to do something or I'll go crazy.

I pull myself away from the micro and goes back to the cupboard and takes

out some teabags.

- What sort of tea do you want?

- Oh, I don't know. The same as you.

- Sure.

I take two bags of Lipton and puts it on the table.

- Sugar?

- No thanks.

The water starts to boile and I take the mugs out of the microwave.

Then Deaq's mobile phone rings. He looks on the caller id and gets a weird

look on his face. He glances at me before he answers it.

- Do you have him?

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TBC...

Good, bad, boring? Review plz.


	14. Waiting

_To prplerayne and DKM. _

_I'm not trying to kill you. I think. It's just fun to make you wait. Ain't I evil?_

_I have a big smile on my face right now. Thank you. _

_For Camilla and my dad, as always. Get well._

_--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

She looks so beautiful when she sleeps, her face relaxed and free from

worry.

I stand beside the bed and my heart brake when I hear her sigh my name.

She is dreaming about me.

_Oh, God help me_.

I got to move away. I got to leave her.

And all I want to do is crawl into the bed and lie down next to her. I want to

wake her with a kiss, see the beautiful eyes flutter open as she wakes. I want

to see her smile. I want to hear her scream my name in the throws of

passion, feel her body tense as she welcomes me inside her.

I lean down and kisses her forehead. I close my eyes, inhaling her sweet

sent. I feel a tear slide down my cheek.

- I love you babe. Forever. Marry me.

She moves and I freeze, afraid that she's awake. She just turns her head, a

sweet smile on her face. She is dreaming.

I force myself to leave the room. I go through the kitchen and put the note

on the kitchen table.

I take one last look around the room and then I walk away without looking

back.

This is one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I call Deaq. I owe him that much.

I know why he wanted me to "babysit" her. He thought that I would forget.

He hoped that I would let it go.

It dosen't work like that. I wish that I'd had the strenght to say no when he

said that she needed someone to look after her. I wish that I never made

love to her. It makes this so much harder when I know how her skin feels,

how her lips taste. When I know how sweet her sent is.

_Oh, God help me. _

_--_---------------------_-----------------_----_-------------------------------------------------------------------_

I get in the car and turn the key. I drive away slowly.

I clear my mind of her. I have to. I can't do this if my head is full of her. It

distracts me, makes me weak. And I can't be weak. Beeing weak will get me

killed and I'm not ready to die yet. Not when I have a chance to spend the

rest of my life with her.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to a friend of mine. Well, to call him a "friend" might be pushing it.

I saved his life once and now he owns me. Today, I'm calling in the favours.

- Hello Mick. Remember me?

He tenses when he hears my voice. He turns around slowly, his eyes cold

and his lips pressed tighly togheter. He hates my gutts. And he's scared of

me. Terrified. Not a healthy combination. For him.

- Van. Wondered when you would show up. I've been expecting you.

I take a step closer and smile.

- Guess this is your lucky day then.

His jaw muscles tensed.

- What do you want?

- Money. And some weapons. Untraceable.

- Fine. But then we're even.

- Sure.

- Okey then. How much are we talking about?

- Two hundred thousand dollars in cash. And guns. If you want to make me

happy you have it for me in two hours.

- Two hundred...! Where the heck am I supposed to find that kind of

money in two hours? You gotta give...

I step in even closer, my face an inch from his. I don't have time for this.

- Mick. Don't fuck with me. You'll have it for me in two hours or you'll end

up in a fucking coffin. You got me?

He nodds, the fear visible in his eyes.

- Good. Now go.

He took a step back. He turned and walked away from me. Fast.

Now I would have money and weapons. Now I just needed to find the

asshole. That was not going to be that easy, but as I told Deaq, I know some

people. And one of those used to work for the asshole.

It was time for a little visit.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_Two and a half hour later._

I pointed the gun at the guys feet and shot, missing his left foot by an inch.

He sat in a chair with his hands and feet tied down, the eyes following every

move I made. The shot made him twich.

- So, I'll ask you again. The man who had a contract on Billie Chambers

life, your former boss. Where is he? And you better start talking because

next time I won't miss and you'll have a nice little hole in you. So? Feel

like sharing?

He sat silent and I sighed.

- No? To bad.

I raised my gun and pointed it at his feet.

- Witch foot do you want me to take first? The left or the right?

I'm thinking the left.

- Okey, okey. I know where he is.

- Are you sure? You are not trying to lie to me are you?

- I'm sure, I'm sure. Just don't shoot me. Please.

- Fine. Then start speaking. Now.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mick had given me a cell phone that couldn't be traced and I used it to call

Deaq.

I knew where the asshole was. Now I just had to get there. As it turned out,

I needed Deaq's help after all.

- Do you have him?

I almost smiled. He knew it was me even before I had said a word.

- Almost. I know where he is.

- Need some help getting there?

- Sort of. I need a plane.

- A plane?

- Yeah. He is not in the country anymore.

- Okey. When and where?

You could always trust him to help you now matter what it was.

- As soon as possible. At the old airport a mile out of town.

- Got it. I'll call in some favours. Be there in a hour.

- Thanks. And Deaq?

- Yeah?

- If you tell her...

He is my best friend. And if he tells her where I am I'll break his neck, I swear

to God.

- I know. I'll keep my mouth shut.

- Bye.

I hung up.

I start my car and drive to the old airport. Now I just has to wait.

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TBC...

You know the drill. Press the little review button plz.


	15. Trisha Rogers

_Sorry it has taken me so long to update. I haven't had access to a computer._

_To dad. I love you. Please..._

_--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

"_...Do you have him?"_

"_...I know where he is."_

"_...I'll call in some favours. Be there in a hour."_

" _If you tell her..."_

"_...I'll keep my mouth shut."_

_-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

_A plane. He needs a fucking plane. So I have to call her. Call the woman I_

_have spent the last five years avoiding. Call the woman who hates my guts._

_Fuck._

_----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

I don't like tea. It tast like shit and I always burn my mouth. But she needed

something to do or she'd go crazy. So I said yes and she put two tea bags on

the table and two mugs in the microwave.

Then the phone rang. And she froze, the mugs in her hands, a fearfull

expression on her face as she stared at me.

I looked at the caller id and hoped to God that it was Van who was calling.

Prayed that it was him. And scared to shit that it was the asshole who

wanted to let us know that he had caugth Van.

I answered the phone and tried to sound confident. Van answered and relief

washed over me. He was safe. So far.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"_You know how to find him?"_

" _I have my ways. Besides, I know some people."_

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If he wants to get information from someone he gets it. One way or the

other.

I wonder what he had to do to find out where the asshole is.

Broken bones comes to mind. And feet with gunshot wounds.

I have seen him in action. Have seen him shoot a guy in the feet to get him

to talk. Have heard the screams. Seen the cold look on his face when he

asked if that was enough or if the guy wanted another hole somewhere.

I've seen what he is prepared to do to get Billie back in one piece. I can only

imagine what he has done to get information about her attacker.

I don't know what he has done this time.

I'm not going to ask him. He got the information and that's all I need to know.

All I _want_ to know.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And now he needs a plane. _Fuck._

It has been five years since I saw her. Five years since I saved her life.

Five years since I shot her brother.

_Trisha Rogers._

I had been with her for two years and I liked her. _Loved _her. We lived

togheter and we had talked about getting married. Having kids.

Then her brother came back and all hell broke lose.

He was a drug dealer with ties to the maffia. And I was the policeman who

tried to catch him.

He kidnapped her to get to me. And I had to shoot him to save her.

Now she hates me. But she ows me her life. And she has a plane.

Now I just have to call her.

_Fuck._

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TBC...

I know that this is a short one, but I don't know how to continue. Ideas are

more than welcome. Please...


	16. Nokia mobile phones

_Thanks to you who reads (and reviews) this story. _

_And yeah, I live in Finland. I just had to write something about it in this story._

_It's a great country, so if Van tells you something else, don't believe him. _

_He's just foucused on one thing, getting the asshole. _

_My daddy is home. Suddenly, life is almost great. Thank you._

_-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

_Waiting._

It's funny how one hour can feel like a year.

I called ten minutes ago and now I sit in my car at the old airport, waiting for

the plane that Deaq promised he would get me.

_Waiting._

And my thoughts keeps drifting. My mind is full of pictures of Billie.

The look on her face when she told me she loved me. The passion in her

eyes when she was undressing infront of me. The insecurity in her voice

when she asked why I was looking at her. The happiness that shone from her

eyes when we kissed.

And the anger when she found my note on the kitchen table.

My note. Yeah, I know that it was a cowardly thing to do. To leave without

saying goodbye.

But what should I have done? I had to leave.

As much as it broke my heart, I just had to do it.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I force my thoughts away from her. I have to. If I don't I know I'll change my

mind. I'll drive back to her, take her in my arms and beg for her forgivness.

Beg for her to marry me.

And I can't. Not yet.

I have to kill him first. I have to kill David Martin.

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"_Okey, okey. I know where he is."_

"_Are you sure? You are not trying to lie to me are you?"_

"_I'm sure, I'm sure. Just don't shoot me. Please."_

"_Fine. Then start speaking. Now."_

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He is in Finland. The asshole is hiding in the little country that is famous for

their Nokia mobile phones and saunas.

At first I thought that the guy was lying. In Finland? Why would anyone want

to hide in Finland? It's a cold, dark, depressing country. Why not in

Mexico or the Cayman Island where he would have easy access to his

money?

But his former employee swore that he was telling the truth. He swore on his

mothers grave. And he knew what would happen to him if he lied.

So now I'm going to Finland.

If only the plane would get here. I hate to wait.

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My cell phone started to ring. I looked at the callerID and frowned. Deaq?

What did he want? Shouldn't the plane be here in ten minutes?

- Did you get the plane?

- Hello to you too. Yeah, I got the plane. Just calling to check if you

needed help with something else.

I heard something in his voice and I grew cold inside.

- Deaq, you didn't tell her did you?

- I'm not stupid. I like my life thank you verry much.

- Then what is it? Something's up. I know you man.

- I had to call Trisha.

Trisha Rogers. The love of his life. And the person who hates him with a

passion.

- Ah... I'm sorry.

- Yeah. Well, I got you the plane. And a pilot.

- Thanks.

That call hadn't been easy for him. He has only mentioned Trisha once and

the look on his face kept me from asking any questions. Some things you

just don't talk about.

Trisha was one of them.

-No problemo. Listen, I gotta go. Billie is coming.

- Yeah. I see you later.

- Sure. Later. Bye my friend.

- Bye.

I hung up and at the same time I heard the plane aproaching. I took my bag

and got out of the car, heading towards the plane.

The waiting was over.

In a couple of hours I would be in in Finland. I would be in the same country

as David Martin. In the same country as Billie's attacker.

And soon, he would be dead.

The thought brought a cold smile to my face.

_Finally._

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_TBC..._

_Sorry that it has taken me so long to update... Hope that you didn't get tired_

_of waiting._

_In the next chapter you will find out some more about Deaq's former lover._

_Who do you thinks is the pilot huh?..._

_Review plz._


	17. Go to hell

_I´m back! Sorry for the delay folks. I hope that you haven´t given up on me. I really like this_

_story but I´m not quite shure how to continue. You like? _

_--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

"_Did you get the plane?"_

"_Yeah, I got the plane."_

" _...Something's up. I know you man."_

" _I had to call Trisha."_

" _... I'm sorry."_

_-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

I love Van. He´s more than a partner to me, more then a friend. He´s my brother.

I would switch places with him if I could. I would go after the bastard myself if I for a minute

thought that Van would let me. But this was his call, this was something he had to do. He wouldn´t be able to rest until the guy was dead.

He is fully aware of the risk that he can die, that the guy will kill him the same way he almost killed Billie. He knows that the chances of him coming back in one piece is pretty slim.

And yet, he didn´t hesitate one second. Because he loves her. Because he would gladly die for her. He´d take a bullet for me, but he would die for her. As I said to Billie, he wouldn´t even think twice.

I don´t know much about his past, about the way his parents treated him, but I´m willing to bet that they never told him that they loved him. Never did anything to assure him that they cared about him. I´ve met his father and I can´t say I was impressed with his parental skills.

And yet, despite Van´s upbringing, despite the fact that he has trubble trusting in people, he stillfell in love with her. And he fell hard. I think it scares him. I know it scares her. And like I saidbefore, those two are more alike then they know.

He called me and said he said he needed a plane, so I got him a plane. I would never forgive myself if he died and I hadn´t done everything I could to help him. If helping him meant that I had to call her, call the woman I never really forgot, then so be it.

But it wasn´t easy. Hearing her voice after five years felt like someone had kicked me in the stomac. She had been my angel, my sweetheart. My life.

Her voice still sounded the same. And it brought back memories I thought I´d forgot, feelings that never really died.

_--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

" _Hello?"_

I couldn´t force myself to answer.Five years. It had been five years. A lifetime.

"_Hello, is someone there?"_

I closed my eyes and swallowed._ For Van. You are doing this for Van. _

" _Hi Trish."_

My voice sounded strange even to my own earsShe´s the only woman. The only woman whoever affected me this way. The only woman who´ll _ever_ affect me this way.

" _What do you want? "_

I remember the way she used to kiss me. I remember how she tasted. And I remember the hate in her eyes after I shot her brother. The hate in her voice when she promised me that she never forgive me.

It was the same hate I heard in her voice now. And I wanted to beg for her forgivness. Butit was to late.

" _I need your plane."_

" _You need my plane. And I should just give it to you I suppose? Go to hell."_

"_I saved your life."_

" _By shooting my brother. You think that gives you any extra points? You think you I owe you __something? " _

"_Yeah, I do. Your life."_

" _Go.To.Hell. That clear enough for you? I owe you nothing."_

I had no idea how I would get her to let me borrow her plane. I only knew I had to.

" _Please. I´m begging you. Do this and you never hear from me again. Ever."_

"_Why?"_

"_Because I never stopped loving you."_

I don´t know why I said it. It was the truth, but I´d never planned on telling her that. The words tumbled out of me before I knew what I was doing. I´ve said it and it was to late to take it back. I wasn´t sure that I wanted to take it back.

Her silence was nerv wrecking.

" _You need a pilot?"_

I closed my eyes and sighed. She would help me.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I called Van to ask if he wanted help with somthing else. He knew something was up. I guess he could hear it in my voice. And beeing the guy that he is, Billie was the first thing on his mind.

"_Deaq, you didn't tell her did you?"_

If I had answered "yes" on that question he would hanged up the phone and our friendship would have been over. _My life_ would have been over. I have no doubt that he would have killed me.

That´s how much she means to him. Anyone who puts her in harms way are as good as dead.

I may be crazy, but I ain´t _that_ crazy.

"_I had to call Trisha."_

"_Ah... I'm sorry."_

And I knew that he meant it. He knew about Trisha, knew what she meant to me. She was to me what Billie was to him. The only difference was that Billie loved him. Trisha hated my guts.

But I got him the plane, I got him the pilot. And now I have to worry about two people instead of one.

Both of them could end up dead. Because I know him. And I know her.

And she won´t just fly the plane. She will help him.

I curse God that she was the only person I knew that had a plane. And I curse Van because I know how he will react to her help.

And I curse myself because I know that I can´t blame him. Anyone who gets in his way...

_----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

Any good? Reviews are more than welcome. Infact, I crave them. And does anyone have anyidea how I should write Billie´s POV on this? I´m stuck. Like you couldn´t tell...


	18. Her heart knows

_**A/N**: Thank you DKM and prplerayne. You really know how to make a girl smile. You´re the best. __Here comes Billie´s POV. Sort of... Read it and tell me what you think._

_--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

She lay in her bed, staring at the ceiling, remembering the note he had left her with.

A note.

It wasn´t enough. It wasn´t even close to beeing enough.

But it was all she had and she had read the note until the words was burned into her brain.

"... _I love you. I love you more than anything on this earth. If I come back... No, **when** I come back I have a gift for you, if you still want anything to do with me. I love you Billie. Marry me."_

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She didn´t know how she was supposed to feel. Anger? Gratitude? He was out there, chasing a guy that most likely would kill him and he did it because of her. Because the guy had hurt her.

Because she had almost died.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"_I love you. I love you so much it hurts. This is not just your fight. Don't you dare say that it is._

_The guy tried to kill you Billie. He tried to kill the woman I love. Leave him alone? Not a __chance in hell."_

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She _was_ thankfull that he would revange her and she _was_ furious at him for doing something so stupid as going after the guy alone.

But the strongest feeling was guilt. He did it _for her_. He would die _for her. _

He loved her. And that made it even worse. Made the guilt even stronger.

She wished he would hate her, that he never met her.

But her heart protested at the thought. If he would´ve hated her, if they hadn´t met, then she never would´ve known what love was. She never would have known the security of his arms, the heaven he brought her to when they made love.

And, yet, still, her brain kept shouting at her. If they hadn´t met, she would never have lost her heart, she would never have felt this guilt that threatened to crush her. She wouldn´t have been so vulnerable, so skinless. She wouldn´t have been crying, alone in her bed.

If Van would have hated her, Deaq would never have slipped sleeping pills in her tea.

If Van would have hated her, Deaq wouldn´t have left her in her bed sleeping, while he drove away in her car. Drove away to aplace, she was sure, where he could help Van.

Why couldn´t he hate her?

Why couldn´t she hate him?

And the memories of the last time they had been togheter flooded her brain.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_They have eaten breakfast and now they are in bed, his arm around her waist and her head __against his chest. Their clothes laying on the floor, forgotten._

_His hand moves towards her head and his fingers gently brushes away the sweaty strands of __hair that is stuck on her forehead._

_She sighes, content._

_He kiss her forehead,his lips lingering as if he wants to inhale her sent._

_-Are you happy?_

_His deep voice sends shivers down her spine._

_She moves her body so she can look him into his eyes._

_- Yeah, I am. _

_- Good. You deserve to be happy._

_Her body turnes away from him and her eyes closes . Her body tensed and he draws her __closer to him, as if knowing the thoughts that goes through her head._

_She? Deserves to be happy? She remembers the people she´s killed, the drugs she´s injected in __her body. How can she deserve to happy?_

_- I love you._

_-Why? Why would someone like you love someone like me?_

_Her voice is low and her eyes are full of tears. _

_Just a minute ago she had been happy, content. Now she was feeling unsecure, vulnerable. __Scared that this was all a dream, an imagination._

_- I love you because... Because I love you. You make me scared, irritated,angry,happy,nervous...__You make me feel alive. You make me whole._

_-I make you angry?_

_She hears the smile in his voice when he answeres._

_- I knew that you would foucus on that one. Yeah, you make me angry. Sometimes you´re a little to bossy for __my taste._

_She snorts, pretending to be offended, and this time he laughs out loud._

_He turns her face towards his, forcing her to face him and his voice turns serious._

_- And I feel terrified everytime I think about the fact that I could have lost you when that Martin __guy kidnapped you. I was sure that he would kill you and... God Billie, you could have died._

_His voice brakes and she sees tears in his eyes. _

_He was crying? Over her?_

_She presses her lips to his and they share a passionate kiss. When they finally brake apart she __takes his head in her hands, looking intently in his eyes._

_- I´m here Van. I´m here and I... I love you._

_His face brakes into one of the biggest smile she had ever seen and he pulls her impossibly close __to him ,and once again they´re kissing. Madly, passionatly. Like it would be the last kiss they __would ever share._

_And then, in that moment, Billie knows that he loves her. Believes it._

_In that moment, the world is perfect._

_--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

She can feel the tears running down her face as she remembers.

God, she loves that man. She wish that he could be there this moment, that he would kiss her, hold her in his arms and tell her that he loves her. That he would stand infront of her on one knee and ask her to marry him.

The pain in her heart intesifies when she realizes that maybe he´ll never do that, that maybe she´ll never get the opportunity to yes to his marriage proposal, that maybe the time they made love was the last time.

Maybe he is dead.

Maybe the child that grows inside of her never will meet his father.

She puts a hand on her stomac, knowing that she´s crazy. She can´t possibly know for sure that she is pregnant. It´s to soon her brain tells her. It´s way to soon.

But her heart knows.

They made a life togheter.

She can only hope that he will be there to see it grow.

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TBC... I love this. Shocked you didn´t I? Hope so. _-smiling-. _I´m evil like that. I´m evil in a lot of ways. It´s just who I am. Nowreviews please.


	19. The calm before the storm

_Thanks to all who reads and reviews this story. Means a lot. Hope you had a good Valentines_

_day._

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" _... I need your plane."_

" _... And I should just give it to you I suppose? Go to hell."_

"..._I saved your life."_

" ... _Go.To.Hell. That clear enough for you?"_

" ... _I never stopped loving you..."_

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She had seen sympathy in his eyes when she had said her name, letting her know that he knew her history.

Then his eyes turned dark when she called his friend a jackass, not wanting his sympathy,revolting at his pity.

He just looked at her, his eyes cold and his jaw thight.

She felt uneasy under his look and turned her head, checking the instrument on the board.

Her body stiffened when she felt him lean closer, his breath against her ear.

And her anger ignited when she heard the words that came through his lips.

She almost smacked him, but a look on his face made her reconsider the idea.

So she sat there, fuming, looking straight ahead, cursing herself for agreeing to this, for letting her heart make the decision instead of her head.

What right had this man to tell her what to do, how to feel?

So what if she hated his friend, so what if she sometimes wanted him dead? He had shot her brother, killed the only family that she had left.

He had killed a part of her. In more ways then he knew.

Trisha Rogers pressed her lips togheter in a tight line and moved a strand of her black hair behindnher ear.

She had every right to hate Deaq.

So what if her heart had started to beat faster when she heard his voice? So what if she still remembered the way he used to kiss her? So what if she sometimes dreamed about him at night?

She hated him.

She would continue to hate him to the day she died.

She was sure of it. Just like she was sure that her heart would never forget him.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

- So, where are we going?

He sat in the seat next to her, the seat that was meant for the co-pilot. He was staring out the window, his thoughts somewhere else.

He turned his head when he heard her voice and the look in his eyes gave her shivers down her spine.

She had seen anger before, seen the rage in peoples eyes. The hate. The coldness that came after betrayal.

She had seen it all before. In her own eyes every time she looked in the mirror and thought of Him.When she thought about her how her life had been.

It was in this man´s eyes when he looked at her.

But she had never seen this.

Never seen anger that went this deep, never seen rage that burned so strong. She had never seen so much hate in a mans eyes.

Or such deep sorrow, so much regret.

It made her wonder what kind of sacrifices he had been forced to make, what kind of people he had left behind.

And she wondered why she cared. She disliked this man, he despised her.

Maybe it was that she could relate to his sorrow, she knew what it felt like to hate. To wish someone dead.

To regret the choices you made, even if they where the nessisary ones.

- Finland. We´re going to Finland.

She almost jumped when she heard his voice and for a moment she had no idea what he talked about. She forced herself to snap out of her thoughts and focous on his answer.

They where in a plane. She was the pilot. She had asked where they where going so she would know where to fly. Right.

_Finland. He had said Finland._

- Yeah, okey. Finland.

She went through the lift off procedure automatically and they where soon in the air, flying among the clouds.

And her thoughts drifted to another time. A happier time. A time when she believed in love and happiness. In roses and fairy tales. In children and marriges.

She turned on the autopilot and let her thoughts wander.

The last Valentine they spent togheter...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

" _She felt a pair of arms sneak around her from behind and she smiled and leaned back, __knowing whos arms it was. He pressed a kiss on her neck, giving her goosebumps._

_- Hi baby. Missed me?_

_His deep voice sent shivers of pleasure down her spine._

_She turned around in his arms and kissed him. His arms went around her waist and he pulled __her closer to him as he deepend the kiss._

_When they finally pulled apart, the need of oxygen becoming apparent, she knew that her eyes __shone with happiness and love._

_- Always. How was work?_

_- Same old, same old. He kissed her nose. - What have you been doing today?_

_She groaned , pulled away from him and went to sit at her desk._

_- I had a flying lesson with Jim Carman._

_She sighed and rubbed her forehead, feeling a headache approaching._

_He smiled._

_- Ah. He still dosen´t understand what to do?_

_She closed her head and leaned back in her chair, feeling tired and frustrated. And her __shoulders ached._

_- He hasn´t got a clue. He have had fifteen lesson and he still asks where the gaspedal is. __And he insist on flirting with me. God, he´s annoying. And dense. If it wasen´t for the fact that __I needed the money I would tell him to take a hike._

_He stepped behind her chair and started massaging her shoulders._

_- Thanks baby. Mmm... I needed that. _

_- You´re welcome. What do you say if we went out for dinner tonight? Celebrating Valentines __day. I´ve reserverd a table at The Fontines at seven. _

_- Mmm... Sounds great. I don´t have the energy to cook and your food tastes like crap._

_He sqeezed her shoulders hard and she laughed, taking back her statement._

_Suddenly she sat up in her chair, opened her eyes and turned around, looking at him._

_- Valentines? It´s Valentines today? I completly..._

_- ... forgot. Yeah I know. It dosen´t matter. _

_She made a face. How was it possibly that she had forgot Valentines? She had seen the ads in __the papers for days, the stores where full of heartshaped chocolate boxes and beautiful cards._

_She had been so busy. **Too** busy. Flying lesson and paperwork. And paperwork. And even more __paperwork. It felt like she hadn´t had a good nights sleep in days._

_- I´m sorry. I don´t have anything for you. It´s been so much work and..._

_He turned her chair around and kneeled in front of her,placing his hands around hers in her lap._

_- It dosen´t matter. _

_She looked down at her feet and felt tears starting to form in her eyes, biting her lower lip. Why __was she this emotional all of a sudden?_

_He cupped her chin and forced her to look at him._

_- Hey baby. It´t dosen´t matter, really. I have everything I want for Valentines. I don´t need gifts._

_- You don´t?_

_To her embarrassment she felt tears running down her face._

_He wiped them away with his thumbs, caressing her face._

_- No, I don´t. I have everything I need right here in front of me. I love you._

_She smiled through her tears._

_- I love you too. _

_He gave her a sweet kiss._

_- I know. Then his eyes changed and he gave her a sly look._

_- I just figured out something you can give me. It involves a bed..._

_- Oh yeah? I thought you offered me dinner? We can´t be late can we?_

_He pulled her up from the chair and moved her towards their bedroom. _

_- Screw dinner. This is a much better way to celebrate Valentines day..._

_She giggled like a schoolgirl and followed him, taking his hands in hers. "_

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And that had been the best Valentines day they ever had. The memories where bittersweeet.

They had stared talking about children that night, about marriage.

She never told him that she was already pregnant.

She had wanted to be able to buy him a gift,some baby clothes maybe. She had wanted to see the look on his face when he figured it out. The joy. The love shining in his eyes as he kissed her.

She never got the chance.

The next day her brother kidnapped her to get to Deaq.

She still remebered the look on his face when he saw her strapped to a chair. The fear. The anger.

She still remembered the shot, her brother laying in a pool of blood, his eyes glazing over.

She refused to hear what he had to say, refused to let him tuch her. The only time she talked to him was to let him know that she´d never stop hating him.

Three days later she lost the baby.

She had never felt so cold, so alone. Never felt that much sorrow.

He never knew that he would have become a father. That he would´ve had the child he had yearned for. That **they** had yearned for.

A child that he would have loved. Deeply.

He never knew.

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- Are you okey?

Van´svoice interupted her thoughts and she turned to him, surprised to see concern in his eyes.

- I´m fine.

-You sure?

- Yeah.

He looked at her, his eyes roaming over her face.

He sighed and handed her a handkerchief, gesturing towards her face.

- You better dry your tears then.

She touched her face, surprised to find that it was wet. She had not reliased that she had been crying.

She dried her face and blew her nose, feeling embarrased to be caught crying in front of him, in front of a friend to Deaq.

- Thanks she said and stared at her lap, not wanting to face him.

- You´re welcome. He cleared his throat. -So, how much time left before we´re in Finland?

Thankfull that he didn´t press the matter she looked at the instruments on front of her.

- One hour,give or take. Depends on the weather.

- Good.

She heard the change in his voice and felt the hair on her back stand up straight.

She had heard that tone before. Just before her had brother died.

The calmness. The cold satisfaction.

He was an hour closer to the man he wanted to kill.

This was the calm before the storm.

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So, what do you think? This is the first chapter with Trishas POV. Reviews? I crave them. Don´t you know this by now?


	20. Hate

_Sorry for the delay. The Olympics and... Yeah,anyway... Damn, Finland didn´t even get ONE __gold medal! Dumma svenskar som vann ishockey finalen! Okey, okey, calming down and __changing back to english..._

_Hope you like this chapter. And you guessed right, I don´t remember (know) anything about __Van and his family history. Feel free to correct me, but remember, some things are needed to __make the story work._

* * *

I was eight the first time I caught my mom in bed with my math teacher. I was ten when my dad went to jail for the first time.

Then my mom started drinking and the guests in her bed got more frequent. The broken bones came as clock work.She had monthly appointments with the doctor and her exuses got worse and worse. She fell, she walked into a door, the dog attacked her. Back then I often wondered wherethe doctor got his diploma, today I can bet that he was the cause of at least some of her bruises.

My dad came out of jail just to go back in. Greed is a powerful thing. It´s always stronger then the love for your wife and child.

Love... Yeah. I doubt that my father knew (or know) the thru meaning of that word. Butthat´s a story for another day.

I hated the life I lived. Dad was in jail or on his way there and mom was either drunk or sleeping around. Or both. Either that, or she was laying in a hospital bed.

Neither of them had much time over for me.

I was fourteen and a half when social service started coming around to our house. Our neighbours had complained. My teachers had seen the bruises on my arms. The scars on my body.

A social worker, a nice lady, took me to a foster home.

My mom looked relieved. My dad wasn´t home.

The social worker took me to a home with two loving parents, with siblings. Dogs and cats.

Clean clothes and warm food. A bed to sleep in without the sounds of someone beeing raped in the next room. A house where you didn´t had to be scared or angry.There was a mom that helped you with your homework. A dad who took you to football games. A big brother that teased you without mercy. A baby sister that looked up to you.

It was a family that loved me.

I ran away.

If I wasn´t there, who would take care of my mom? Who would protect her ? Who would stand between her and the fists of her latest "boyfriend"? My dad? God?

I believed in neihter. I still don´t.

I only knew one thing: I couldn´t let my mom die.

When I was sixteen I had enough and left. Or got kicked out. Depend on how you want to see it.

I never looked back, never went back to that house. Never saw my mother again.

I´m not sure if she´s still alive.

Some memories are better left behind.

Some people it´s best if you forget. Erase them from your memory.

And I had erased her.

Until I met Trisha. And the memories started flowing back.

The look in her eyes where the same as the look in my mothers.

Hate. Anger. Resentment. Pain.

At one time, she too had that look of defiance in her eyes that I could see in Trisha´s.

The last time I saw my mother the spark in her eyes where long gone.

It had been replaced with fatigue.

She had given up.

* * *

Trisha Rogers was a beautiful woman with a flash of temper, of defiance in her eyes. I had no trouble understanding why Deaq had been attracted to her in the first place. Why he had fallen in love with her.

I had no doubt that they had made each other happy.

Now she is bitter, angry at the world.

I had felt sorry for her when we first met. It was clear that she had been through a lot, that the sorrow was heavy on her shoulders.

She must have heard the sympathy in my voice, seen it in my eyes, because she revolted against it, calling Deaq a jackass, her voice tight with anger.

I felt my jaw muscles tigthen and my eyes turn cold, but I didn´t say anything, refusing to start an argument with her.

She had her reasons to continue to hate Deaq.

Deaq had his reasons to still be in love with her.

Feelings where tricky.

Your heart has a mind of it´s own.

You can love someone deeply, loose yourself in a person. Dream of a future with them. A life full of love and happiness. Of trust.

A life full of children.

Then something happen and the love turn into hate, the happiness into bitterness.

The trust into distrust.

I know it all to well.

My parents, people that you are supposed to be able to trust.

My friends, girlfriends. People I had loved. And trusted. People that had betrayed me.

More times than one.

I know the feel of betrayel. Of distrust.

And I hate it. With a passion.

* * *

She turned her head away from me and checked the instruments, her forehead wrinkled.

I guess she saw something in my eyes that made her uneasy.

I leaned in closer and felt her stiffen.

And the words I whispered in her ear made her furious. I could see her hands curling into fists.

She wanted to hit me, to feel her palm connect with my face. A look on my face made her reconsider.

I don´t hit women. I consider men who do weak, idiotic jackasses that should rot in jail.

Right then, in that plane, sitting beside a women who reminded me so much of my mother, I could bearly control my temper.

Images of my mother´s face flashed before my eyes. First the scared look on her face when he got drunk. Then the resignation. It was normal for her. Guy after guy, night after night.

The hiding of the bruises the next day, the screams that came from the bedroom when he thought that I was asleep.

I can still remember the pain in her eyes. The blood dripping from her face.

The threats that came from his mouth. The knife pressed against my skin.

" _Tell anyone and I´ll kill you. Or your slut to a mother. Besides, who would believe **you**? The __police? You remember who your father is right?"_

The cold laugh. The feel of his fist against my stomac.

I know the feeling of hate all to well.

I´ve grown up with it.

* * *

- So, where are we going?

Her voice brought me back to reality and I turned my head and looked at her.

Going? I had no idea what she was talking about, the memories still clouding my brain.

Then I remembered and the hate in my heart grew._ Finland. Martin. _

His face when we found them in that wearhouse. I never wanted to kill anyone as bad as I wanted to kill him in that moment. And there have been many men that I´ve wished dead.

Then the images changed.

The reason why I did this.

Her sleeping face the last time I saw her.

_My angel._

My love. My whole world.

The mother of my unborn child.

I´ve known happiness and love.

In the arms of her.

* * *

- Finland. We´re going to Finland.

Apperently I hadn´t been the only one lost in thought. Trisha looked like she would jump when she heard my voice.

- Yeah, okey. Finland.

Ten minutes later we where flying, the clouds outside the window looking like cotton candy.

And again my thoughts started to wander.

The last time I saw my mother.

A thursday in May. More the ten years ago.

* * *

" _They had been arguing. As usual. My dad was coming home next week and mom´s newest __boyfriend was furious. _

_- I don´t care that he´s getting out of jail. He´s not living in this house, you hear that bitch?_

_- He´s my husband. I can´t just..._

_His hand connected with her face, giving her yet another bruise._

_- Shut up. That so hard to understand? Shut your mouth. Do I need to teach you another __lesson bitch? _

_- I´m sorry. I won´t talk about it again. I´m sorry._

_- I´m sure you are. _

_I knew what that tone meant and my stomac turned into ice._

_The sound of my mother beeing slammed against the bedroom door, her head jerking __backwards, hitting the wood with a thud echoed in the tiny apartment._

_- No, no..._

_My mom´s crying made me curle my hands into fists._

_This was the second time this week. _

_This would be the second time I stopped him._

_My back still ached after the last time. The cuts on my nuckles hadn´t healed. My left eye was still __swollen as a result of the black eye he had given me._

_I was getting sick of this. _

_Sick of having to protect her. Sick of getting cuts and bruises and twisted limbs._

_Why did she have to choose those jackasses? _

_How long would it take before one of them killed her?_

_I got up from my bed where I had been laying, trying to sleep, and walked towards the bedroom. _

_The crying had stopped. Now all I heard was whimpers, like the sound of a scared dog._

_And the sound of a belt hitting flesh. _

_His laugh._

_The last time. This would be the last time I did this._

_I stood outside the bedroom door , letting the hate wash over me. Then I slowly opened the __door, making his head snap in my direction._

_This was the last time."_

* * *

That time it was the guy who ended up in hospital. And I ended up on the streets.

My mom kicked me out, afraid of what the guy would do to me if I was still there when he got out. What he would do to her.

She would let him back into the house. And somehow her decision hadn´t surprise me.

If she had to choose between her latest boyfriend who beat the crap out of her ,or me, her own son, she would always choose the boyfriend.

I learned early what hate was. How betrayel felt.

I was only eight when I figured out that the only person you can trust was yourself.

It would take more than ten years before I trusted a person again.

It wasn´t before I met Deaq´s brother that I knew that there is people out there that you can relay on.

It wasn´t before I met Billie that I truly learned what love was.

* * *

She´s crying.

I´d turned my head to look at her, to ask her how long it would take until we would reach Finland.

I found her crying, the tears streaming down her face.

Her eyes full of sorrow.

And again, the memories of my mom threatened to overwhelm me.

- Are you okey?

The words came out before I could stop them and she turned her head and looked at me, surprise in her eyes.

- I´m fine.

She wasn´t fine and we both knew it.

-You sure?

- Yeah.

I let my eyes roam over her face and sighed.

A stubborn lady indeed. She wasn´t fine, far from it. She needed someone to talk to, needed someone to listen to her pain. To tell her that she was loved.

She needed Deaq. I suspected that she knew that.

And I was sure she hated herself for it.

As I said before, the heart has a mind of it´s own.

I handed her a handkerchief and gestured towards her face.

- You better dry your tears then.

She touched her face and seemed surprised to find it wet, like she hadn´t realized that she had been crying.

She dried her tears and then she sat staring at her lap, playing with the handkerchief. She seemed embarresed to have been caught crying. That someone had seen her weak.

Why would tears make someone weak? Showing emotion. It´s what makes us human.

And still, knowing that, I have never let anyone seen me cry.

´Cause it made me feel weak.

- Thanks.

- You´re welcome. I cleared my throat, not knowing how to continue, what to say next.

Ask her why she had been crying?

Was it really any of my business?

- So, how much time left before we´re in Finland?

Her shoulders relaxed, thankfull that I didn´t press the matter.

- One hour, give or take. Depends on the weather.

And my thoughts shifted.

I didn´t care about Trisha, about the fact that she still was in love with Deaq.

I saw Billies face in front of me. The look in her eyes when we found her in the abounded warehouse. The fear.

- Good.

I saw **_his_** face.

And it filled me with strange feeling of peace. Of satisfaction.

An hour.

The clock was ticking.

* * *

So? What do think? Any good? Again, I´m sorry that it has taken me so long to update. First it was the Olympics, then... then it was my dad. Again.Life is not fare. Anyway, review please! . 


	21. Running

_Yeah, yeah. I know. You probably thought I died. Have been suffering from... I don´t know __really. Writers block? Laziness? Probably a bit of both. But I´m back! Yeah... Hope you like._

_And drugs? Know nothing about it. Torturing people? Nah, it´s not my hobby. _

_Sorry for all the mistakes guys. I´m only human._

_And USA, happy 4th of July!_

_

* * *

He is coming after me. If he catches me I´m dead._

I knew it was a mistake to go after her but my boss was persistent, and when your boss is in the mob, you don´t argue. She had messed up a business deal, costed him millions. She had to pay.

It was my idea to kidnap her. My boss just wanted her dead, he didn´t really care how she went.I guess he would have preferred a bullet through her brain, but hey, that´s really not my thing. It´s too clean, too quick. And pain is meant to endure.

So I started to follow her. Took pictures of her, studyed her every move, learned her rutine. She was smart, I gotta give her that. She noticed that something was wrong, suspected that someone was following her. So she changed her rutine, moved from her house, started carrying concealed And she was never alone.

But I have been in this business for over ten years. I don´t give up that easy. I would´ve lost my money, not to mention my life. And I value both.

* * *

I made myself invincible. I pulled back, stopped following her, giving her the illusion that I had backed of, given up. Instead I bugged her hotel room and her mobile phone. It´s funny what a little money can do when you are dealing with underpayed and greedy hotell staff. A thousand dollars in the pocket and the sence for right and wrong flies out the window.

Humans is a weird species. Willing to betray anyone as long as they make a profit.

Not that I complain.

It gave me time to go over her room, plant the bugs where she wouldn´t find them. I even put a tracking device in her shoes.

Sometimes it´s like taking candy from a baby.

* * *

And then I waited.

And waited.

As someone once said, patience is a virtue.

Finally, three weeks after I planted the bugs, I got lucky. With the wheater. Or the heat, to be more precise.

I had almost given up hope. She, and the two idiots she surrendered herself with, had found two of my five bugs. As I said, the lady was smart. And careful. One of the guys, the one that looked like he came straight from the beach, was living in the room next to hers.

Not that she liked it. I had heard them arguing about the fact that he "treated her like a baby" and that she could "take care of herself". And he had simply said that she had two choices, one beeing a safehouse and the other a "bodyguard". They had gone at it for a couple of hours before she grudgingly had accepted. But not before he had treathened to hit her over the head and then _carry _her to the safehouse himself.

The guy was persistent, I gotta give him that. When they where awake he never let her out of his sight.

But then, more than a week after he "moved in", he made a mistake. Or I _made_ him make a mistake. He overslept. Or, to tell the truth, he was unconsiuos. It was hot outside, almost 90 degrees fahrenheit, and he drank a lot of water. It wasn´t that hard to put a sleeping pill in one of his water bottles. He was out minutes after he had swallowed the last mouthfull of water.

* * *

She struggled, tried to reach for the gun that was tucked under her pillow, but I had anticipated that move and the choloroformed handkerchief that I pressed over her nose worked quickly. She was unconsious in a matter of seconds.

It took me almost a day to get her to an abandoned wearhouse in the middle of nowhere. I strapped her to a chair and made a phone call.

They already knew that she was missing. I guess the guy in the next room had woken up sooner then I had expected.

"_I have your boss strapped to a chair. She´s alive. So far." _

" _You hurt her and I´m gonna rip out your fucking spine, I swear to God."_

" _You are in no position to threaten me, beach boy. I´m gonna do more than hurt her and you __can´t do jack shit about it. Exepct to wait for her body to turn up. And that can take a couple __of days."_

" _You listen to me, you fucking little pice of..."_

I almost smiled. It sounded like he loved her. Interesting. Maybe I should make her scream so that he had something to listen to.

Pain.

Brake a bone and people start to talk.

Fear.

Torture someone they love, let them hear it, and they begin to crumble.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"_Van, give me the phone. Van, listen to me. Give me the phone. You are letting him get to you."_

Deaq. The other guy she worked with. The one who used to be a narc before he started to work here.

I remember him alright. And his lovely lady friend. What was her name...Trisha? Yeah. I doubt that he remember me though. After all, to him I had just been a stupid, irritating guy

who wanted flying lessons from his girlfriend. And I had called myself Jim Carman back then. Small world.

"_Okey, Martin. What do you want? Money?"_

So they knew my name already. Impressive. Not that David Martin was my real name, but still. It was impressive. That meant that I had to work a little faster that I had planned.

" _Money? What would I do with money? I have enough of that. What I want is to play. And __your boss is a perfect playmate. You can tell your hot headed friend that."_

"_You don´t think we can find you? Give it up."_

Give it up? Not a chanse in hell. I was just getting started.

"_Now where is the fun in that? You can look for her, if you want. But I warn you, you may not __recognize the body. Bye, bye." _

I hung up the phone after that. As I said, fear can make even the toughest guy brake.

I estimated that it would take them about a week to find me. You can do much in seven days.

The human body can take a surprising amount of pain before it brakes and you die.

_Let the game begin._

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It took them three days.

How they found me so quick I´ll never know. Some of my men must have opened their big mouth. You can´t trust anybody but yourself in this business.

I had just given her a new drug that I was experimenting with. It cuts of the connection between the brain and the muscles. Ten minutes after injecting it and the only thing you can move is your eyes. Ten hours after the injection your heart stops beating.

It´s the perfect drug to use when you want to... _play around..._ a little. No screaming, no crying. Your play mate stays where you put it. And if you don´t want to shoot the person? Don´t worry, the drug takes care of that. As I said, the perfect drug.

I stood there, with my gun pointing at her head, wondering if I should shoot her in the shoulder or in one of the knee caps, when Deaq and the other guy stormed in with their guns drawn.

For a second it was like time froze. I looked in the eyes of the beach boy and knew I was dead.

I´ve killed a lot of people in my life, been tortured a number of times. This was the first time I was actually scared. I had kidnapped and tortured someone he cared about and he would hunt me until he was sure I was burried five feet underground.

I did something I never done in my life. I fled.

As I ran I felt a searing pain in my left leg. I didn´t have to look to know that I had been shot. I blocked out the pain and continued to run, knowing that if I stopped I would be a dead man.

* * *

A couple of days later and I´m still running. The only difference now is that I´m on the other side of the globe, in Finland.

Beach boy isn´t the only one after me. My boss isn´t to pleased about me either. I failed to do a job and that usually dosen´t end well when you are involved with the mob.

So now I´m sitting in a stupid country house in the middle of nowhere. Waiting. Knowing that I can´t stay here for very long, knowing that I´m like a sitting duck, waiting to get shot.

Knowing that I´ve run out of allies. And with a sinking feeling in my stomach.

I´m not gonna live for very long.

It was a risk I took. And for once, the odds waren´t in my favour.

* * *

So? What do you say? Good? Bad? Hate it? Review people. The little button down below? Press it will ya? Please? 


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